Deep Breath

I feel like I just took my first deep breath in a few weeks and, in doing so, realized I hadn’t updated my blog in forever.  To be honest my pregnancy was rolling along so smoothly that I didn’t have much to say…I simply thanked God every day/night and continued on my way.  Plus my son is an on the move 16 month old and we relocated to the suburbs so I was BUSY!  That being said about a month ago I started being out of control itchy (awesome, right??).  At first I chalked it up to suburban mosquitos. They’ve always loved me!  However the itching was so intense that I’d claw my skin until it bled.  I hadn’t complained much all pregnancy and suddenly I wouldn’t shut up.  It got to be so annoying that my husband actually jumped on the bandwagon and said he caught it.  Imagine his surprise when it turned out to be pregnancy related.  I developed this liver disorder called cholestasis and it was causing the itch.  My body wasn’t properly processing bile salts and so they were leeching into my skin.  Worse they were endangering the lives of my angles.  I went for an ultrasound and my babies had vastly discordant weights.  Baby B was estimated at 6’9” while Baby A was only a bit over 5 lbs. All things comsidered my doctors decided to perform a section at 36 weeks 3 days.  On Sept 24th we met (and fell in love with) Noah Kim and Tara O’Neil.  He came into the world at 5 lbs 12 oz and she a mere 4 lbs 11 oz.  They are fighters and spent no time in the NICU.  We brought them home on time and now we are working to fatten them up.  When we left the hospital they’d both dropped and together barely weighed in at 10 lbs.  As of yesterday she is 4 lbs 5 oz and he is 5 lbs 4 oz.  I will be back with updates but if you get a free moment for your own deep breath please allow for it to send a prayer in our direction.

  

Gender Reveal

  
At our wedding my husband and I danced to “Broken Road” by Rascal Flatts.  The lyrics seemed to speak to our journey and our eventual nuptials.  Interestingly I find that those same words apply with regards to our children.  My son turned one yesterday and in looking at him all I could think was “God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you.”  He truly is a miracle and my heart seems to expand every day to love him that much more.  We had all of his cousins and both sets of grandparents at his party and we let him open the gift to reveal the genders of his future siblings.  My sweet boy is getting a brother and a sister and I’d walk that road all over again if it meant this same outcome.  

NT Scan Update

I took my mom to our 12 week NT scan today.  It was so special to share our babies with her. Both looked great and the sonographer couldn’t even see the hematoma!  My heart is so filled up with love right now I feel as though it just might burst.  I can’t believe that this time next year we will have three little rugrats underfoot.  I can so easily remember fervently wishing we’d maybe be blessed with one little one…to have that dream realized and to now have siblings on the way?  It’s unreal.  God is so so good. 

Sneak Peek!

I had another ultrasound today and I’m too excited not to share a picture!!! Here are my sweeties at 8 weeks 4 days!!! Praying hard that I’ll be holding them come fall!



Thankful Twice Over

I had my miscarriage at 10 weeks after we had already heard a healthy heartbeat.  Ironically the appointment that I found out our baby was not to be was the first appointment that I’d gone into feeling confident.  We were almost done with the first trimester, I was feeling good, and the doctor did not seem concerned when I mentioned the teensiest bit of spotting.  It’s because of this heartbreaking day that I always fear the first ultrasound appointment after a heartbeat has been detected.  I wait in dread because I remember living in that blissful bubble, believing my baby was fine, only to be told that sometime between appointments her little heart had quit.  I remember feeling like a “bad mommy” because my baby had left and I hadn’t even realized.  I’d been too busy celebrating her to feel her presence desert me.  I tell you this so you understand how scared I was this morning as I drove to the doctor.  Last week the babies were great, measuring fine, little hearts beating away.  Would the same hold true?  Were my blessings bigger and stronger?  As I drove I thought of my sweet son.  He’s only nine months but we say prayers together every night and every night we pray for the babies.  We ask God to bless them and to keep Mommy healthy so that she can provide them a safe place to grow and develop.  I know he’s too young right now to understand the changes coming his way but I am excited for him to have siblings and playmates.  So I thought of this and I continued our prayers. I prayed right up until the doctor came into the room….and then I cried tears of joy because there were my babies, hearts still beating, both of them bigger and stronger.  Another day, another milestone, another reason to say thank you to God.  I feel SO blessed.

Happiness in Heartbeat Form

The. Best. News. I had an ultrasound today (6 weeks 2 days) and was feeling discouraged on my drive.  Last week we just saw the sacs and one was significantly smaller than the other.  I barely slept last night because I kept turning possible scenarios over and over in my mind.  The end result??  TWO STRONG HEARTBEATS! Baby A is measuring in at 6 weeks 3 days with a heart rate of 123. Baby B is holding strong at 6 weeks 1 day with a heart rate of 127.  I’ve heard the expression “took my breath away” and I’ve used it a time or two but today the saying became literal.  I could not breathe…and when I could breathe I cried.  It’s amazing how I already adore these two little blueberry sized humans.  I’m so excited and to those of you who prayed I want to say a HUGE thank you.  We aren’t out of the woods but today is a good day.

Calling All Prayer Soldiers

It’s tough to write today because I’m feeling a bit defeated. We had our first ultrasound today and the amazing news is that they saw two sacs!! Incredible. I’m only 5 weeks 2 days so they couldn’t see anything else but that was pretty neat to hear (understatement of my life!). Unfortunately my glee was overshadowed by the discovery of a LARGE subchorionic hemorrhage. It’s essentially a blood clot and mine is located directly above my sweet nuggets. These clots can get reabsorbed but it helps if they’re small or if the pregnancy is farther along. If the clot continues to grow it can rip the placenta from the uterine wall or restrict the babies’ growth thereby causing miscarriage. I’ve been googling (don’t do it) and surprisingly many outcomes are good. Still the doctor I saw today was not encouraging. I now feel like a ticking time bomb and I have a vision of this monster clot snuffing out my darlings. I’m home now (as in my parent’s house) because I needed some TLC, Lenten prayers, and some help with my son. If you read this and can spare a good thought or prayer please send one our way. We’ve got a journey ahead and I’ll need to gather strength from every available source.

A Thank You Note to God

Our beta doubled!! 105 to 249.  That was such a relief as my betas last pregnancy NEVER doubled correctly.  Granted the pregnancy ended in my perfect little boy but I could have done without the beta stress, thank you very much.  It’s funny though…even with the betas rising appropriately I still can’t wrap my head around this pregnancy.  I feel more detached from this baby than I remember feeling with my son and I can’t quite figure it out.  It goes without saying that I’m excited, but even my excitement feels muted.  When we found out our fresh cycle had worked with L I couldn’t wait to shout from the rooftops, “WE’RE PREGNANT!!”  I pestered my husband for weeks to share with our families and I counted the days until the first trimester was over so that I could post an announcement on Facebook.  (We all know nothing is official until it’s “Facebook official.”)  I don’t feel that sense of urgency this go round.  I’m anxious to be done with the first trimester because it scares the bejeezus out of me but I’m not chomping at the bit to share our news.  Is that horrible?  Does this all sound awful?  When I pause to examine my feelings (hard to do when I’ve got a teething eight month old underfoot) I think it’s quite simply that I’m in shock.  This entire journey through infertility has been a whirlwind.  I feel so far from my miscarriage and yet so close to it at the very same time.  It’s incredible to think that this is the third February in a row where I’ve been pregnant.  We have experienced the thrilling high of an unexpected pregnancy and then the devastating loss of a stilled heartbeat.  We’ve pushed through meds and needles and, to be honest, a few tense talks that escalated into fights only to find ourselves pregnant again.  As slow as those months crawled by they also passed in a blur of excitement only to culminate in the birth of my best little thing.  That alone is a lot to process and I think I’m still mulling it over as I begin this new journey.  I don’t think my heart has caught up with my head.  I’m also afraid to get attached and afraid to foster new dreams as I forever have that niggling fear that something might go grievously wrong.  I’m hoping that next week’s ultrasound cements this baby into my head thereby allowing my heart some more room.  We should see a gestational sac and a yolk sac (or TWO!) and I think that when I see that it’ll finally sink in and hopefully settle for a good, long time.  I love this sweet baby already and I hope that he or she can feel it through my confusion.  I’ve spent so much of the last four years begging God for one baby that I guess I thought we’d have some similar conversations over the next four in our quest for a sibling.  I guess the script will have to change a bit as instead I’ll now be asking God to keep this little one healthy and strong, to allow him/her to thrive in the comfort of my womb, and to deliver him/her safely to us in October (November?).  In return I will promise God to love this baby fiercely, unconditionally, endlessly as I already do my sweet, little son.

God Is Good

105.3.  I’m stunned.  I’m shocked.  I’m…so very very grateful.  That’s our beta number.  My nurse called this morning.  “We” are officially pregnant.  I honestly didn’t believe this round would work.  I read somewhere that IVF works 1 out of every 3 times.  This is our second fresh cycle and our second pregnancy.  (My first pregnancy, my loss, was a natural conception).  Blessed is the only word that comes to mind.  It’s surreal to be the pregnant one AGAIN.  I spent so many years pasting on a smile and willing joy into my heart when yet another friend or relative announced a second, third, fourth, fifth, SIXTH, SEVENTH pregnancy.  I’m not exaggerating when I say that.  Irish-Catholic families…what are you going to do? To be honest I was happy for those other women but my happiness was always slightly tainted by my own struggle.  It made me so mad at myself that I couldn’t just rejoice in the thought of new life.  I hated that my congratulations would be later wiped away by my unavoidable tears.  And now to be on the flip side?  To be the one secretly planning how I’ll share our news?  It’s surreal to say the least.  Still, having spent so long wondering not when, but if, we’d have able to have a family I’m sensitive to those who might be quietly fighting their own battle.  My younger sister has been married for two plus years.  She and her husband are still young…not even thirty….and they love to travel.  They might very well be waiting a bit to have a child but that forever wounded part of me wonders if they’re trying.  I know I’ll reach out to her first after we’ve heard the sweet sound of another heartbeat.  I wouldn’t want to spring the news on her in a public setting.  I wouldn’t want to be the reason that she has to smile when inside she’s shouting, “Why?  It’s wonderful and all but WHY?  Why not ME??”  Inside I’m already asking myself a similar question.  My son is the love of my life.  He’s sweet and he’s perfect and he sleeps through the night.  He’s filled my heart to the point of bursting and now God is reaching down and touching me with another precious bundle?  Why?  Why ME?  I’ll probably spend the rest of my life wondering but I’ll also spend the rest of my life saying thank you.

Let Go and Let God

We had our transfer on Monday…for those who’ve been following we went ahead with the study. On day 5 we had 5 blasts and they tested them overnight. It made for a nerve wracking 4 AM car ride on transfer day because I was unsure if any would test normal. By the grace of God (there is no other explanation!) they ALL tested normal! As per the study parameters we transferred the two “best” and froze the other three. The doctor asked if I wanted to know the genders but I asked for them to be placed in an envelope. We found out the gender for our son but that was after I knew I was pregnant. As curious as I am I’m almost afraid to open the envelope. I’m already attached to the idea of another baby (or babies!!). The minute I actually have tangible genders that idea will take permanent root. I’ll start dreaming of names and picturing my son as the leader of the pack. I’ll imagine their actual birth and their first night home. I’ll widen the lens on my family to encompass five instead of three. No…that envelope must stay sealed at least until two lines appear on a pregnancy test. (And yes I have been testing even though it’s only day 2). I actually tested the morning of the transfer to begin “testing out the trigger.” I had two beautiful lines that day and two lines (albeit feint) on day 1. Now on day 2? One solid, mocking, ugly line. I know it’s early but there’s something about that line that makes me feel like I just got sucker punched. I wake up slightly excited thinking maybe this time they’ll be a shadow of hope. Three minutes later the excitement is discouragement and my day is over pre 7 AM. Ok I refuse to let this entry become all doom and gloom. We had two little embryos transferred and it was a miracle they made it that far. Now they are back where they belong and it’s time to let go and let God.